


I'd hear you call my name

by supercali



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M, past character death mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-31 01:49:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercali/pseuds/supercali
Summary: Can you miss someone that you never knew? He has the odd photo, yellow and faded now but the face is unfamiliar really, tells him nothing about the person she was. He remembers asking his Dad once, when a boy whose name he’s forgotten had been teasing him about not having a Mum. He had Sarah, but back then he didn’t really understand. His Dad hadn’t said much, not that he ever did, had just said that she’d loved him very much.Or Robert thinks about the Mum he never knew.





	I'd hear you call my name

**Author's Note:**

> I've been struggling so much with writing lately which is horrendous and then this came into mind.
> 
> It was meant for robron week later on but I have no willpower, so here it is.

He doesn’t plan it, hasn’t been thinking about it for days, nothing like that. He just wakes up that morning with the urge to visit.

He knows the date, knows it’s only a few days away. He thinks it was his Gran who told him the details. He knows it wasn’t his Dad, they didn’t really ever talk about her. All he’d known growing up was that something was missing.

Can you miss someone that you never knew? He has the odd photo, yellow and faded now but the face is unfamiliar really, tells him nothing about the person she was. He remembers asking his Dad once, when a boy whose name he’s forgotten had been teasing him about not having a Mum. He had Sarah, but back then he didn’t really understand. His Dad hadn’t said much, not that he ever did, had just said that she’d loved him very much.

There’s no one left now that he can ask except his Gran and her memory isn’t what it was,. He has no idea where his other siblings are. He had the contacts to find out but always something stopped him. Maybe it was best left alone.

Sometimes he feels guilty, that he should think about her more. He thinks about Sarah all the time, all the things he’d want to tell her, a joke that Aaron’s told him, or Liv doing well at school. He knows she’d be interested, would give him the advice he so desperately needs some times. He’s sure she would love Aaron, would mother Liv, just enough though so that she wouldn’t shrug her off. She was always good at that.

What would Pat do? Would she be like his Dad, ashamed of him, or disappointed? He has no idea and maybe in the long run it’s better that way.

He’s brought out of his thoughts by Liv bursting in the front door, flinging her school bag to the floor. “You’re home early.”

“Aaron went out on a pickup. Thought I’d work from home. What do you want for tea?” She’s already got her head in the fridge so he’s sure she’s hungry.

“Not fussed. Fridge is empty anyway.”

“I’m going to David’s. Last chance for requests.” The walk will do him good, might clear his mind a bit. He slams his laptop shut, it’s already been off long enough, he hasn’t touched it for ages, lost in his thoughts. “Want to join me?”

“As if. Oh, you could get me some of those crisps I like.”

“Those wouldn’t be the ones that Aaron never lets you have because ‘no one should pay that much for potatoes’ would they?”

“They’re nice. Not my fault he has no taste.”

“Hmm. I’ll think about it.”

It’s warm enough that he doesn’t need a coat. It’s summer but it’s been chilly the past few days. Now though, the sun is bright and warm as he walks the short distance to the shop.

He gets enough to make them all a passable tea, refusing to eat in the pub again. They seem to have lived there lately, both him and Aaron too busy at work to cook. He’s on his way out when he sees the flowers, grabbing a bunch on impulse, handing over the money to Tracy, ignoring her comment about him needing to apologise for something.

His feet carry him to the graveyard, and he finds his way to the unfamiliar stone, tucked away, not far from his brother. He has too many people in here. He doesn’t say anything, wouldn’t even know where to start, but he tidies up the grass that the mower has missed before he lays the flowers down. At least it doesn’t look neglected now, the flowers bright against the weathered stone.

“I wish I knew you, knew the things you liked, just anything.” It’s not an ache, not how it is when he thinks about Sarah, but still it’s there, this person, his Mum, that he’ll never know. She’ll never see him become someone that she could possibly be proud of.

He falters because there’s nothing else to say. He gets to his feet, brushing off his knees, and lays a hand on the stone for a second, and makes a silent promise to come back in a few days on the anniversary, to remember it.

He’s slow walking back home, wanting to shake off his mood. Aaron will notice, he always does, but if he’s smiling at least he might get away with it until they’re on their own. He doesn’t need an audience of Liv and Gerry when he talks about it.

They make tea together and he knows Aaron’s looking, wondering. He reassures him he’s alright, hopes he’ll leave it alone because his thoughts are all over the place. He can’t stop him asking later though, when they’re in bed, in the darkness and he’s resting his head on Aaron’s shoulder.

“I went to see my Mum. Took her some flowers.” He’s whispering but Aaron can hear, his hold tightening, comforting.

“You should have said if it was an anniversary.”

“It wasn’t.” He shifts, closer, clutching at him almost. “Not Sarah. Pat.”

“Oh.” He doesn’t talk about her. Aaron knows her name and that’s it. “You never talk about her.”

“I don’t know why I went. I should go more, feels like I don’t think about her enough. I don’t know her, what would I say? She’s my Mum, and I know nothing. It doesn’t matter…”

“It bothers you, so it matters. There must be someone who knew her, that you could talk to.” He nudges him gently so he can sit up, snapping on the light.

“I don’t know where any of them are. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. I don’t usually think about her, but...well everything that’s happened lately, just made me think about her.”

“You found Liv for me, you could do the same for yourself.” He shrugs, that was a different time, he was different back then.

“Maybe. Wasn’t exactly...well I wanted it done in a hurry.” Aaron had never asked how he’d done it so he’d never said anything.

“I don’t want to know, do I?”

“Probably not.” He can probably guess though.

“There must be other ways. Just think about it. Would stop you wondering at least.”

He doesn’t answer, just leans up to kiss Aaron softly, settling back down into his arms. Sometimes things are best left alone, maybe this is one of them. It won’t bring her back, won’t give him anything but information and that might bring up things he doesn’t want.

He must fall asleep at some point, his dreams are a muddle of cars and people, none of them clear enough for him to remember when he wakes up.

He’s alone, can hear Aaron clattering around downstairs with all the care of a baby elephant. As he gets out of bed he spies a slip of paper on his bedside table, scribbled website addresses covering it.

_I found these. Might be worth a try. A x_

They don’t mention it again, he just kisses Aaron’s cheek, lingering longer than usual. The slip of paper stays in his wallet though. Maybe one day he’ll be brave enough to try.


End file.
